August 27 2024
Today I did another new thing. The motto of my life 2024. I took the leap of faith and created this site – Josie Blue today! I would say that this one single notion of blogging has been one that has sat under the surface of all my past identities, relationships, rough patches, the WTF is going on, the ohhh sooo good memories, giving birth to both my beautiful girls, corporate life of 19 years at one organization, leaving that for a 9 month sabbatical and then, tomorrow my RE ENTRY into Corporate Finance.
So here we are the day/evening before. I’ve been in bed for two days but today created this outlet to share my feelings into the abyss of the digital platform world. Two days of bed… why, you might ask? Exhaustion of leaving my dream job Friday August 23rd, working two test run events at my parents winery (more to come another day), looking at houses last week, trying to get approved for a mortgage, living off nothing, knowing I have one paycheck coming in a couple days that will be a whole whopping $450, finalizing my outstanding balance to my trip to the DR in November for a friends wedding, back to school as a mom of two daughters and one bonus daughter, and not to mention fall club soccer is back and oh did I mention I left the school Friday hoping to start Monday but my background wasn’t cleared in time. And I can’t make this up…literally the call came at 4:45 in the middle of a house showing. A house I was convincing myself was the perfect location, one that I was seeing twice in 24 hours, there this time with my ex brother in law. Can you say that out loud and think on that? Then followed up with a late night interaction of indecent proposals that really made my head spin. What a day. Am I being punked and where is AK?
That one hiccup would normally just spiral me given all the circumstances piling up against me but here I am looking at as a blessing. My body to rest. Turn off my brain. Escape reality in sorts. Recharge by being a recluse. Giving the world a big F*** YOU and going back in my dark hole.
So tomorrow I start this NEW SCARY but PROUD EXCITING chapter of re-entering the only place I’ve ever known. Banking. I’m UTTERLY EXCITED about this new chapter yet today I’m allowing myself GRACE (my word since 2022) to feel the feels. I’m so tired of honestly surviving in a world of emotionally intelligent humans. Hey, I was her once in a previous life, but I’m starting to look at humans with little to no faith in humanity. You can say my spirit has died. Tomorrow I hope I can find the matchstick to relight her.
Then there is GRIEF. The grief of knowing that Friday was the final day of my dream job of working as the principal secretary of our local middle school. And the GRIEF behind it. Behind every closed chapter and new door is the match that burned the house down.
My post of that final day on social media below:
My Outlook on Life has changed for forever…
I’ve learned a lot the last 9 months working at my “dream job” here as the principal secretary at HMS.
Biggest lessons:
*NO ONE in life has you. Only YOU.
*Don’t believe in promises, timing of the universe, commitments. Believe in yourself.
For the first time since a young age of 18 and now being 42, I put a lot of devotion into my family dynamics. My career of 19 years. Being loyal and devoted to both.
At the time of accepting this position I was feeling very misunderstood by some of my closest people. I felt misunderstood by coparents, close family relations and largely even more at work. I felt myself becoming the worst versions of myself. I felt myself having a racing heart each day trying to get from A-Z, getting home and starting dinner, talking to kids about day/homework, getting to practices and giving my undivided attention to my partner. I could feel myself being pulled too thin. I could see myself being beaten down to absolutely nothing and moments of extreme disappointment in my own behavior after being harassed, ridiculed and questioned for every choice I was making.
I received support from my partner to seek out a new opportunity and that “I got you” and we will be ok. I believed it so much. I remember leaving my KeyBank going away and smiling the entire way home and just saying over and over how happy life felt. Give me this chapter now to conquer.
I was sent this job opportunity on a whim from my ex husband. I didn’t think once for this overthinker. I just did it. I was so PROUD to have even gotten an interview in Fort Thomas were my kids are. Then to be offered the job felt like a dream. I was ready to focus on slowing down, finding myself again and planning to be the best wife and step mother I could be. Not a bonus mom. A step mom and make that word a beautiful loving word in our home.
The universe decided our life would not take that course. 9 months later my core is being gutted over and over knowing there is no going back. Today is the reminder of this final chapter.
I was pursued by another financial institution and while I was open I was not open. I was downright pissed, angry and saddened to my core for my beautiful girls. I leaned into it and went after it and now excited to get back to my natural skills.
Here is what I did learn
* I CAN make changes. After staying at a career for 19 years and then interviewing with two organizations and being offered a job all within 9 months has empowered me to not stay complacent.
* I had my first winter break, spring break and summer break with my kids. Memories that will forever be held in my soul. Healing times for the girls and Jason in Orlando.
* I learned my true limits of grief. They are deep. I’ve learned to say “this is not in my realm of what I can mentally handle”.
* I found my support system of people who checked in almost daily and weekly for 9 months. I will never take them for granted.
*I found parts of my soul that I explored on my first solo road trip.
*I found that my outlook on life has truly changed for forever. I will not see the good in others as I once did. Maybe that’s a blessing and a curse.
Highlands Middle School was not just my dream job. It was our future. Now it will always be a chapter of coming truly into my own. I know who I am. This chapter was one of growth personally. And for the love of god this staff saw more tears than should legally be allowed to cry in public and not all my fun and carefreeness. I regret that I wasn’t able to share that more. Grief is a wicked thing.
The road ahead is not paved out as I dreamt and I’m still not able to come to terms with it.
My baby bird will soar without me here and has been my #1 supporter.
Let’s do big things my girls
The catastrophic event that led to all this. To burning my house down. To killing my soul. To make me question why I’m not enough. Why is it too hard for him. His continual stonewalling. The ick feeling of how I lost my family. How I’ve had no choice in any of this. How the choice was made for myself. For his daughter. For my children. For our extended families and friends.
My Fiancé of 5 months after 8 weeks of encouraging me to leave a 19 year career that was no longer serving our family had his Mother share that he had hoped that my ‘insecurities would go away after he proposed.”
I sometimes wonder is it normal to have opinions like this from others? It doesn’t feel right. It feels heartbreaking to know how uncomfortable my presence made others feel. How heartbreaking it is to assume all the private conversations being held behind my back. The heartbreak of knowing my 44 year old fiancé did not have the emotional intelligence to come to me. To stop it all from spiraling. To live here cohabitating still 9 months later. Why did you propose to me? I will save that lightbulb moment of why I believe why for another post. It was a hard moment of realization that hit me about a month ago when I kept asking myself why I couldn’t come to terms with this. Why can’t I accept it. Why can’t I move past it. Why is my life continually one of trauma that has rooted so far back that I don’t have one single memory of living WITHOUT trauma. Why does this happen. When will I live feeling safe and secure. When I can breathe? When will it feel ok to believe in people and trust. He was my first person to ever trust. The only person I’ve ever felt safe with. More so than my parents. How do you live without it.
Tomorrow is day one to getting myself out of this reality. The reality of waking up every morning in a place that you are no longer desired but not having the means to walk away without inducing trauma on to our girls. My trauma is one that is suffocating. Tomorrow I’ll take my first gasp of air.
XO,
Carol
August 28, 2024 at 12:48 amYou deserve so much more!!! You can do hard things!! I am sending you love, prayers and good vibes for all your new adventures!! XO
Abi
August 28, 2024 at 2:10 pmI love that you have found the courage to share your innermost thoughts and feelings! I hope it helps you to grieve, process, and heal. Here’s to your first gasp of air.